Friday, June 1, 2018

Query Kombat Round 1: A Boy Named Pez vs Not Missing. On the Moon.

Title: You Belong Here

Entry Nickname: A Boy Named Pez

Word count: 59K

Genre: Middle grade contemporary

Query:

Matthew Miller is a precocious eleven-year-old who dreams of becoming a famous filmmaker. He’s even given himself the name Pez because everybody who’s anybody knows memorable names are a must in Hollywood.

Despite what he’s been told, Pez is convinced he’ll make it in showbiz, most likely by the time he’s eighteen since he’s getting an early start. With the help of his neighbor Jasmine, he sets out to make his first film, a rom-com entitled Dog Loves Cat. But then things start happening. Things showbiz people call obstacles, the kind that usually kick off Act II in the movies. His Mom leaves home, his Dad’s “ghosts” revisit, and Jasmine runs away. Then a hurricane hits, flooding the mobile park where Pez lives and ruining all his film supplies. In the aftermath, Pez’s unrelenting confidence wavers for the first time and he must choose whether to finish his movie or give up on his dream.

At 59,000 words, You Belong Here is a contemporary middle grade novel about friendship, hope, and resiliency. While its comedic voice and quirky characters will appeal to fans of the TV show Young Sheldon, it explores similar themes as Katherine Paterson’s The Same Stuff as Stars.


First 250:

I hate goodbyes, especially now, because they remind me of Mom.

She’s been away on vacation for almost three months. Which, between you and me, isn’t actually a vacation. That’s why a lump is climbing up my throat as I write the goodbye scene of my film, Dog Loves Cat. When Harold the Dog tells Kitty the Cat he loves her, she replies, “It can never be.” Then she takes his hands and declares, “Now, we must say goodbye.”

Even though I should be focused on Harold and Kitty, or at least the math worksheet on my desk, my brain is set to one channel now: Mom. Is she lying on a California beach reading an Agatha Christie book? Is she taking pictures of wildflowers in Montana? Or is she on a highway heading back to Dad and me in Connecticut? I hope so. Three months is already way too long.

But enough of the sad stuff.

I like life the same as I like my cinema: filled with LOLs and ROFLs.

Plus, I need to get at least a little math done before Mrs. Osiani gets to my desk. She’s saying something complimentary to each student while she hands out school photos. Just as I’m getting started on math, she skips two rows and goes directly to Chelsea Jones, who’s only three desks in front of me. I glance down at my worksheet and gasp.

Butterscotch.

I haven’t finished a single problem and Mrs. Osiani will be at my desk any second.


VERSUS



Title: Dear Nosy

Entry Nickname: Not missing. On the Moon.

Word Count: 69K

Genre: Middle Grade

Query:

So! If you’re reading this, you’ll have read the front where it says 'Mirabelle’s Journal'; and, unless you’re completely dumb, you’ll have figured out that, yes, I am the one and only Mirabelle Montgomery...and you are the nosy person reading MY journal!

12 and three-quarter-year-old Mirabelle's best friend, Norma, is missing. Mirabelle knows exactly where she is, but no-one, not even Mom, believes her. Norma is on the Moon.

She and Mirabelle went there with R.T. Zuppithuppit and his kind of moony-cute son, Mar Ten, the aliens they met in Norma's garden. Now she's going to Moon school and all in love with Mar Ten Moony-Boy. And she says she's not coming home, ever. Everyone thinks Norma's dead and they've arrested her Mom's boyfriend for her murder, but when Mirabelle goes back to the Moon to tell her, Norma doesn't even seem to care, and that's just not like her.

As Norma's body starts to go all twisted and funny from a weirdo moon illness, it becomes super obvious that R.T. is not their friend. And Mirabelle finds out that Norma is somehow involved in the death of a girl found in the lake near her house. That's so not Norma. Is this why she won't come home? Things start to go beyond crazy on the Moon and at home, and Norma's sickness gets scary bad. It's always been Norma who knows what to do. That's not Mirabelle's thing (Mom does call her Queen of Irresponsible after all). But it looks like she's going to have to take over here. If she doesn't get Norma off the Moon right now, she'll die!

Against the tick-tock of death's giant clock, an anguished Mirabelle must set a plan in motion that will be a complete betrayal of their friendship, but might possibly, maybe, save Norma's life. The plan fails and all hope is lost... Or is it? Could there still be a way for Mirabelle to save her best friend?

Dear Nosy, a Middle Grade fantasy adventure, is written in journal form and complete at 69,000 words.

First 250 Words:


So! If you’re reading this, you’ll have read the front where it says Mirabelle’s Journal, and unless you’re completely dumb, you’ll have figured out that, yes, I am the one and only Mirabelle Montgomery… and this is my journal. And, actually, seeing as this is MY journal, and it doesn’t have PLEASE READ ME written in giant letters on the front, you’re not only dumb, you’re also nosy and rude! I’m not going to write Dear Diary. I mean, why would I write to a book? Seriously! That’s why I’ve decided to start my journal with Dear Nosy: that’s you!

Thursday May 2nd 5:02 pm: My first official entry, with a date and everything.

So… Dear Nosy, whoever you are, I got this journal because I absolutely, completely have to write down what happened at Norma Johnson's house yesterday. It was just tooooo freaky.

Norma lives two doors down from me, and we met when we were two or something. She's super pretty in a straight, fair haired with glasses, student of the year, kind of way. Not like me! I have this attacked-by-freckles problem, and goofy curly hair that won't go straight no matter what. I sometimes think if I could get rid of those two things, I might be pretty too. I guess green eyes are okay, though. Norma's are brown, but mine are really green. Like a witch maybe, which is kind of cool ! Norma's know-it-all and bossy sometimes, but she’s definitely my best friend. I go round to her place a lot.

19 comments:

  1. JUDGES ONLY: Please reply to this comment with your feedback and match decision. Thank you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A BOY NAMED PEZ

      I love the voice in your query, and you give us a great sense of Pez's character. (And I would absolutely watch a Dog Loves Cat rom-com.) Conversely, the stakes in the query feel vague. What's at risk if he gives up his dream? What happens with his Dad's ghosts? His Mom? Jasmine? You start strong, and I think a few more specifics will help you end strong.

      As with your query, the voice in your 250 is spot-on. The opening hook is great, and the ending hook follows suit. Honestly, I don't have much advice to offer. The only thing that I (very slightly) stumbled over was a bit near the end. The "Just as I’m getting started on math..." sentence. The tense felt like it shifted a bit and knocked me out of the moment, versus something akin to "I start on the math, and she skips two rows..." But that's very minor. Overall, big thumbs up!


      NOT MISSING. ON THE MOON.

      Personal preference, but I am absolutely not a fan of starting a query with a quote from the book itself. It really threw me off and had me wanting to back out immediately. For the rest of it--and I can't believe I'm saying this--but I think you have too much voice in the query. Don't get me wrong, the voice is amazing, but so much if it in the query ends up detracting instead of adding. For me, it obscured the plot. I spent more time trying to decipher the voice than I did getting a feel for the story itself. Adding to that, the stakes are very vague. What exactly is happening to Norma? How Is Mirabelle betraying their friendship? What is this plan and how does it fail? Rhetorical questions also tend to be something best avoided during a query, so I'd recommend axing them if you choose to revise the stakes paragraph.

      As with your query, the voice in your 250 is absolutely amazing. And here I do really dig the journal opening. My main concern is your first page spends more time with physical descriptions of Norma and Mirabelle than it does with the most interesting bit: Whatever super freaky thing happened at Norma's house. I'd much rather read about that from the start and save the descriptions for a page or two later.


      Although the voice in Moon is enthralling, I find myself drawn in by the allure of Dog Loves Cat.

      Victory to A BOY NAMED PEZ!

      Delete
    2. ------------------------------------------------
      A Boy Named Pez
      ------------------------------------------------

      Query: Wow, this is a stunning query. I’m sold, hook, line, and sinker. I’d likely rephrase/revise “Thing showbiz people call obstacles, the kind that usually kick off Act II in the movies.” Mainly because, from the sound of it, Pez would just call them “Act II obstacles,” and also it just felt sort of out of place with the rest of it, but even if this was kept (and I’m loathe to even recommend changing a word!) I think this is such a strong query. If I were a MG agent, I’d request a full from this ASAP.

      First 250 Words: The first 1\2 of this is great. The 2nd 1\2 is fine, but I’m not entirely sure why a student would be writing about not doing their homework at this stage in the game. I get that it is likely done for dramatic effect, but it kind of kills the good will the query and first 1\2 build. Also, while I think the writing of the first 1\2 is very well done, there is a bit too much info dump going on. I think maybe cutting 2 mom-related sentences (pretty much the various things she might be doing) might help streamline it a bit more and make it feel more organic.


      ------------------------------------------------
      Not missing. On the Moon.
      ------------------------------------------------


      Query: This is a pretty good query. A few nips and tucks could be done. I’d likely not mention the first plan plan to save Norma only to tell us it fails, and then tell us there is another way. Since you aren’t giving us specifics it doesn’t seem relevant. You should not give us specifics, but I’d likely just leave it at the first plan and re-stating the stakes here.

      As for the rest, starting the way you do is a gamble, but I personally like it, so I think it pays off. You could likely cut bits here and there, there are a lot of names, and some facts that don’t seem overly relevant. If you took that out you might give us one more killer Mirabelle flavored sentence that keeps the original personality and charm of the first paragraph.

      First 250 Words: Well written and charming. This section relies heavily on charm, which is fine, but I hope the author is aware of it. If they could ramble about 10% less that’d be great, however, I get why it is done this way. Kids this age do ramble on! I like the concept that all these are going to be written “Dear Nosy,” it’s good hook.
      ------------------------------------------------
      Victory to: A Boy Named Pez
      Honestly, this was a touch pairing! Both seem very polished, but for me A Boy Named Pez had me from every word of the query. A good query for me tends to win out over the first 250 words (which Not missing. On the Moon. has the better of the two here) solely because a well written query makes me, as a reader, trust the author to give me an equally charming/great story, so I’m willing to overlook a few minor flows in the first 250, because first pages are awful (I had to rewrite mine about 6 times before I got published!)

      That being said, Not missing. On the Moon., you’ve got something special. So I hope you get picked up soon!

      This was a photo finish.

      Delete
    3. A BOY NAMED PEZ

      QUERY:

      As someone who used to make “home movies” as a kid, I love the premise and the query is short and sweet. We get a good sense of Pez’s ambitions, but we you could maybe add a little bit more about his home life. What does Dad’s “ghosts” mean exactly? I think I have a good idea, but you have room to add a bit more detail if you want. It may help to sell us on how much his mother’s absence really means to Pez, which seems important.

      FIRST 250:

      You have all the necessary information conveyed for a strong opening, but I feel like it’s in the wrong order. I didn’t assume Pez was in class in the first couple of paragraphs. He’s obviously daydreaming, but maybe frame it where we know where he is, so when his teacher comes to start collecting the assignment we get a little head’s up and see the tension building. It’s a little jarring as is. But nice work.

      NOT MISSING. ON THE MOON.
      (This nickname made me laugh out loud. I honestly think you should consider using it as the actual title. It's got a story in itself)

      QUERY:

      I’d cut the opening paragraph. Most agents don’t like “excerpts” in the query and I honestly just skipped it. Especially since if shows up again at the beginning of the actual book.

      The real opening paragraph is a great hook and you should start there. (I think you should change 12 to twelve though, but I can't recall if that's an official grammar thing, so ignore this if I don't know what I'm talking about)

      Overall, I love the voice of the query. It clashes with what actually sounds like a pretty dark story, so I like that. It helps center our focus on Mirabelle’s personality. I think you can trim it a bit thought. I’m not sure we need to know that her original plan failed, since we don’t know what that original plan is. Try to keep the query focused on the first act of the book or so to help pinpoint the specific conflict you want to ‘pitch’.

      Sounds like a creepy story with a great view point that’ll make it fun. Nice work.

      FIRST 250:

      I’ve never actually read a book written in journal form, so I’m not sure if I’m in a position to give objective critiques, but overall I really liked how you started it.

      It’s funny and your descriptions of the characters is a lot of fun. I really like the voice.

      All the MG queries have been the most fun to read, and these two are no exceptions. I’m going to have to go with the one that had the better query, but there’s great potential in both of these so best of luck to both of you.

      WINNER:

      BOY NAMED PEZ

      Delete
    4. A Boy Named Pez

      Query
      This seems like a great MG premise with charming characters! I was confused by his dad’s ghosts––I assumed that was a typo and his father was dead until I got to the 250. I’m pondering how to rephrase that without being clunky, but maybe it only tripped up me.

      I would trim the last paragraph to be simply WC, title, genre & audience, and comps. You can identify the themes and comedy from the query alone. :)

      250
      The movie is cracking me up (though shouldn’t Harold take Kitty’s paws? ;)). A few small things… 1) naming the Agatha Christie book feels off for an 11yo. It’s a fun detail that *I* appreciate, but a kid would probably just say a mystery or give it some funny description (like, an old-lady-catching-murderers book). I like how we see him using humor to fight off his sadness, and Butterscotch is a great MG-appropriate curse.


      Not Missing. On the Moon

      Query
      Very creative premise! I’d cut the snippet from the diary at the beginning as it’s distracting and keeps us from the actual query. I’d also swap “aliens they met in Norma’s garden” with the aliens’ names for clarity. The latter half of the current third paragraph could be condensed or cut to streamline, and I’d also cut the last line about the plan failing. I love that this is written as a journal!

      250
      So much voice here! The reason she starts it Dear Nosy instead of Dear Diary is hilarious and perfect. I’d focus more on what happened at Norma’s and less on their appearances on the first page as it feels like an info-dump. That kind of info can be sprinkled later throughout.


      I do love MG, and this is a fun match up. I’m going to say…

      VICTORY TO BOY NAMED PEZ!

      Delete
    5. A Boy Named Pez

      This is a top-notch query that should be an example of how to write a query. It was engaging and I have an excellent grip, not just on your story, but on your ability to write that story.

      The first 250 were engaging and actually made me chortle, which is a hard thing to do, humorless old creature that I am. So kudos on you!

      Not Missing. On the Moon.

      I have to agree with Wordthulhu here. I dislike seeing a query start with a quote from the book. And this is entirely a personal point of view, but I also hate books that break the fourth wall. No one writes a diary expecting other people will read it.

      In terms of the query, you need to hammer down on the story. It's fine that all these fantastical things are happening, but the plot came across as disjointed and a little too weird to comprehend. It felt almost like the author had slipped too deeply into the protagonist's voice (which is fine for the first 250 words, but not for the query).

      This was an easy one for me.

      Victory to: A Boy Named Pez

      Delete
    6. A Boy Named Pez

      QUERY:

      But then things start happening. Things showbiz people call obstacles, the kind that usually kick off Act II in the movies. His Mom leaves home, his Dad’s “ghosts” revisit, and Jasmine runs away [I feel like this stuff is both too much info, and not specific enough – i.e., you’re telling me what the obstacles are without creating enough hooky mystery. If you can be both more specific and more vague…yes I know, I’m being frustrating… but, for instance, saying “Pez’s family life disintegrates, leaving him feeling like he’s caring for his own father” (I don’t know if that’s true, but I’m trying to give an example of what I mean.) We are left wondering how and why this happens, whereas when you state that his mom leaves home and his dad’s ghosts revisit, I make a guess that his mom takes off because his dad’s in mental health crisis. I may be wrong, but I still have enough info to make a guess that takes the mystery out of it. With Jasmine running away, I’d reword that, too – something like “Jasmine faces a crisis that lands her in danger…and, suddenly, she’s gone from Pez’s life”]. Then a hurricane hits, flooding the mobile park where Pez lives and ruining all his film supplies [Here, you might want to just say his film supplies get ruined, and not spoil it for us how that happens].

      First 250:

      she skips two rows and goes directly to Chelsea Jones, who’s only three desks in front of me. I glance down at my worksheet and gasp [gasping is confusing because I don’t think he’d be surprised he hasn’t finished a problem. Just anxious.]

      Butterscotch. [I’d put this in italics. At first I think he’s gasping because he’s surprised to find butterscotch on his paper.]


      [This is good writing, a good beginning.]

      Dear Nosy


      Query:

      [I don’t think you need the first paragraph. It just distracts, and it looks like it’s the first paragraph of the manuscript, anyhow. You tell us that it’s in journal form, so that’s fine.]

      Now she's going to Moon school and [is] all in love with Mar Ten Moony-Boy. And [take out the and] she says she's not coming home, ever.

      If she doesn't get Norma off the Moon right now, she'll die! [I don’t think you need this sentence, because the next paragraph shows it]

      The plan fails and all hope is lost... Or is it? Could there still be a way for Mirabelle to save her best friend? [I don’t think you need these sentences, either. You’ve hooked us already.]


      First 250 Words:

      This is a good start, and good voice, but I wouldn’t start with the descriptions. I’d find a way to work those in just slightly later, and maybe not all at once.

      These are both great entries with great voice, but the moon concept is just so cool and intriguing. VICTORY TO DEAR NOSY

      Delete
    7. A Boy Named Pez
      Query:
      I really like this concept! But something about the voice in the query is throwing me… it is almost like a movie review, rather than a query. I feel like we are given way too much plot, but not nearly enough specifics. (also, I really don’t like “precocious” there… somehow it feels out-of-world to me. Obviously if Pez is 11 and making movies, Pez is precocious! If you want to put an adjective there, give us something we can’t figure out for ourselves)

      Good job introducing the choice: finish the film or not. But you don’t tell us what happens if he doesn’t finish. Also, how does him making the film tie into any of the other challenges (his parents, Jasmine, the flood, etc). Is there money on the line for a contest? Will it help him bring Jasmine back? Will it bring his parents back together? It isn’t clear, which means I don’t care if he makes the film or not, and I also don’t care about those other things happening.

      So I’d suggest really stepping back and then working through the query to make sure you hit who is your MC, what do they want, what is standing in the way, and what happens if they don’t get it. I think you have some of those elements already, but they aren’t gelling for me. Others may have more helpful thoughts.

      First 250:
      Should it be “paws” instead of “hands”?

      Very cute intro to the character. I like the tense thought of the teacher coming up to check the worksheet.

      vs

      Not missing. On the Moon.
      Query:
      Ehhh, I think don’t use the first paragraph in the query, even though I like it as your opening for the 250. I get why you want to, but… it is just too jarring and then gets too long. Let the voice happen in a usual query format.

      There is a lot going on in this query! I am pretty confused, and not sure about tone (arrested for murder! Does not line up with “she’s on the moon.”) If we are supposed to believe that she actually is on the moon in real life (and not that this is just some elaborate post-death coping mechanism for Mirabelle who lost her friend to a grisly murder. Leave the murder thing out and focus on the story.

      There are way too many characters here, which tells me that you are trying to give us too much of the plot for the query. Def take out the death of the lake girl.

      Don’t use questions. What happens if Mirabelle doesn’t get Norma off the moon (to Norma, to Mirabelle, to their town / their friendship). Give us the stakes.

      The voice is good but I think as you streamline this and aim to have a 250 word query, you will find places to dial it back just a wee bit. Don’t let the voice confuse or overpower the query.

      First 250:
      Cute voice, but Please hold off on character looks descriptions till a bit later. The first 250 needs to give us more tension, and a long paragraph on looks does not make things exciting. (also I would rather hear about characterization via means other than looks in MG books, especially with female protagonists, but that is just my opinion … I want young girls describing themselves and their friends in terms of the things they do and accomplish, not how they look!) Why not tell us how they met when they were two? Give us readers something to latch onto. This paragraph does not help us to connect to these girls’ relationship.

      Also, and others may have more input on this: not sure about using “dumb” in this context. I’d pick something else that is not ableist.

      -----------------------------------------------
      VICTORY to PEZ!

      Delete
  2. You Belong Here

    Query: I got a really good sense of Pez and his motivations. His film idea, “Dog Loves Cat,” was funny. My only questions at this point are what his Dad’s “ghosts” are, and why Jasmine doesn’t figure into the stakes at the end, since she was working on the film with Pez. Lastly, I don’t think saying the themes of the book is necessary.

    First 250: I don’t have any specific suggestions—it brings out the protagonist’s personality and current predicament nicely.


    Dear Nosy

    Query: I think the italicized first paragraph isn't actually needed, because the rest of the query unfolds like a normal query, not a journal entry. The writing has strong voice throughout, that’s for sure. A few instances feel slightly repetitive, though. For example, the last four sentences in the fourth paragraph could be summarized as, “Norma’s always been the one who knows what to do, but if Mirabelle doesn’t find a way to get her off the moon, she’ll die.” Also, the questions at the end aren’t needed, in my opinion. And—just a thought—would you consider renaming the story to the nickname you gave your entry? It’s a great name.

    First 250: I may be in the minority opinion here, but the tone feels a little too over-the-top. Perhaps Mirabelle has an electrically eccentric personality, but it might help events move along faster if she rambles a bit less to avoid any info-dumps.

    ReplyDelete
  3. You Belong Here

    Query:

    I'd like to know a little more about why Pez wants to be a filmmaker. My guess is it has to do with his Mom being absent (which definitely tugs on my heartstrings), but I could use a little more connection. What happens if he fails to make his movie? The reference to "Dad's ghosts" made me think Dad was dead, so I wondered at first who Pez is living with. After a couple reads I realized you mean the ghosts of Dad's past.


    First 250:

    At first I thought Pez was at home working on this movie. You might consider mentioning earlier he's at school for clarity. I think the voice in this opening page is very strong, and I like that you give us a strong emotion up right away.



    Dear Nosy

    Query:

    I don't think you need to start with the excerpt from the first page. The part about Mirabelle's friend being on the moon interested me much more. It feels like the story really gets going once Mirabelle goes to the moon after Norma, so I'd suggest streamlining the beginning to get to that point faster. This is also where Mirabelle felt like a more active character. I love the premise of a "missing" kid really being on the moon, but no one believes it. Adults never do. 

    Awesome nickname, BTW. Personally, I like this better than your title.


    First 250:

    I think the voice here is fun, but I think you can tighten up the setup about this being a diary and bring us to what happened at Norma's house more quickly. Perhaps you could give us a hint about Norma being taken to the moon? That would definitely pique my interest right away.

    ReplyDelete
  4. A Boy Named Pez—
    I like the idea of a story similar to the two comps you used. The story sounds sweet and potentially very touching. A couple of thoughts: At first, I wasn’t sure if his dad’s ghosts were literal or meant ghosts of his past. Also, a small thing but still important-- the words mom and dad are not capitalized unless they are used as names. Example: "His mom leaves home..." Your first line of the 250 uses it correctly. "...reminds me of Mom." That’s picky, but you want your work to be polished and correct. And I really like the first line of your 250!

    Not Missing. On the Moon.
    First, like others, I love that nickname and though your title is also cute, I’d have to seriously have to consider swapping the title. As others have mentioned, I don’t suggest starting off the query with the selection from the text. On a technical note, check your capitalization of Mom/mom, and when you begin a sentence with a number like her age, you’ll want to write out the word (Twelve, not 12) but maybe save the age until another line because this was a bit convoluted to follow and has potential to be very gripping. Mirabelle's best friend is missing. That's huge stakes. I think the setting is a strong aspect of your story, and I'd love to read more about what it's like there.

    ReplyDelete
  5. YOU BELONG HERE:

    Query:

    I really like the idea of a young filmmaker with an obsession for movies. I also liked the way you described the conflict he’s about to experience as “Act II.” It’s clear he’s in store for some major drama and life changes, which makes him relatable to his young audience. I was a bit confused about the line: “Dad’s ‘ghosts’ revisit.” Maybe clarify what this means. Ghosts could mean a lot of things to a young audience vs an adult audience.

    First 250:

    Matthew’s voice seems a bit mature for an eleven-year-old. He’s clearly an intelligent young man, and if he is meant to be more of a “Sheldon-type” character, I’d make this more obvious from the start. I think this could be accomplished by giving us less back story and dropping us into Matthew’s life right away with action. Also, the word “butterscotch” threw me. I’m assuming this is his catchphrase, but it feels a little jarring. Maybe he could say it rather than think it, like, “Oh, butterscotch!”?

    DEAR NOSY:

    Query:

    I like that the query is written in your MC’s voice. It’s cute and quirky. I’d leave the journal entry out of the query and start it at the second paragraph with her age. It’s unnecessary, especially since the query is already dripping in Mirabella’s voice. There’s a lot of information in the query and I think because Mirabella’s voice is so strong, it can be distracting when reading the details of the story. Maybe tone down the voice a bit so that the stakes are clearer to the reader. For example, the line: “That’s not Mirabelle’s thing (Mom does call her Queen of Irresponsible after all)” doesn’t do much with explaining the overall plot and stakes in the query. I’d save that detail for the actual story.

    Speaking of the story…

    First 250:

    Again, this little girl’s voice is evvvvvverything. I can totally picture her with her wild hair, scribbling in her journal! I think these first 250 words establish Mirabella’s style and lingo, and even hints of some jealousy of her best friend. Good job with the preteen voice! Really, really good! I did find the last sentence, “I go round to her place a lot” a little clunky. Is there a better way to say this?

    ReplyDelete

  6. A BOY NAMED PEZ

    Query:
    Great voice, love the humor, really fun concept. Like others, I was a bit confused by Dad’s “ghosts” – is it possible to be a bit more specific about what those are (it did make me think first of literal ghosts, and then I wondered maybe it refers to some kind of substance abuse). I think the last sentence in the second paragraph could be made considerably stronger, though, by focusing in on the more concrete events mentioned in the preceding sentence. It seems it would be stronger to have Pez finishing or not finishing the movie tie directly to getting Mom home, or getting Dad’s ghosts to go away, or getting Jasmine back.

    First 250:
    Love the voice and the humor, interwoven with the very heart-tugging concept of Mom being gone. I laughed out loud at the “filled with LOLs and ROFLs” line. Well done! The last 3 paragraphs seemed a little vague, though, and like others, I got tripped up by butterscotch (I do love the idea of having him say it, in quotes).

    Great job & good luck!


    NOT MISSING. ON THE MOON.

    Query:
    Great voice in the query and what a fun, engaging concept! Agree with others that it’s better not to include quote from the story in the query. The part about Norma being involved in the death of a girl tripped me up a bit, though, as it didn’t seem to fit with the light-hearted tone of the story. And I’m not really clear on the stakes. It seems Mirabelle would of course choose to save her friend’s life, no matter what. But maybe getting her off the moon means possibly risking her getting sent to jail for murder, or something? Just a thought.

    First 250:
    Love the voice! I was a bit taken out of the “fictional dream” by the first paragraph. Seems to put the focus on the reader (agree with others about title change), rather than on Mirabelle and her story. I think maybe after the “pretty too” sentence it might be better to come back to an action scene that moves the story along, and add those description details later.

    Great job & good luck!

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  7. A Boy Named Pez

    Query: This sounds like an adorable story. I would try to expand on the query more, since it does seem a bit on the short side. His mom and dad are bought up, but were they together? Basically, was his family intact before the “things” happened? I’d like to hear a little more about Jasmine too. Also, I’d like to know more regarding “despite what he’s been told.” You don’t have to get specific, but just a general idea – are people saying he’s too young to be a filmmaker? Not good enough?

    First 250: After reading the query, I feel like this doesn’t start in the right place. I thought his mom leaving would be more “Act II” of the book – like we’d have a little more set up before it happened. I love the voice. I love the humor. You have a great character.


    Not Missing. On The Moon

    Query: Such a cute story and the stakes are great. I’d completely remove the excerpt of the book, though. It doesn’t really add anything to your query and in fact throws me off a bit. Even if you remove the first paragraph entirely, you still have over 300 words, so I’d consider tightening it up a bit. One way to do that would be to remove the questions in the query and set up the stakes as a statement instead of a question.

    First 250: I like the voice. It’s cute and age-appropriate. I also like the journal format and her little disclaimer before her first entry. But I feel like the first entry is a bit of an info dump, describing what Mirabella and Norma look like. Some of that can probably be weaved into the story later on.

    Good luck to you both!

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  8. (I’m a fellow Kombatant leaving feedback.)

    A BOY NAMED PEZ

    Query:
    Right from the start, I know Matthew Miller is a determined dreamer. I’m already rooting for him. And as someone who once lost her home to a hurricane, you tugged at my heart with having Matthew waver after his ordeal. The road ahead won’t be easy, but he doesn’t seem the type who’ll give up on himself or his dreams. Very good!

    1st para> since “eleven year old” is used as a noun instead of an adjective, you don’t have to hyphenate it.

    2nd para> suggestion: “Despite what he’s been told BY HIS [ADJECTIVE] FAMILY, Pez is convinced he’ll make it in showbiz, most likely by the time he’s eighteen since he’s getting an early start.”

    2nd para> Jasmine seems important, but consider taking her out of the series of unfortunate events. Like: His mom leaves home, his dad’s “ghosts” revisit, [and then] a hurricane hits, flooding the mobile park where Pez lives and ruining all his film supplies.

    3rd para> capitalize your title YOU BELONG HERE instead of italicizing it. By the way, I can’t decide if I like the real title or the nickname more. Hmm…



    First 250:
    1st, 2nd, & 3rd para> LOVE! The voice, the emotions, the imperfection, everything.

    3rd para> suggestion in brackets: “Even though I should be focused on Harold and Kitty, or [maybe] the math worksheet on my desk, my brain is set to one [film strip] now: Mom.”

    4th, 5th, & 6th para> since we were deep in his head for the first three paragraphs, consider going right into action here. Mrs. Osiani could clear her throat and move down the row, handing out more school photos and saying something nice to each student. She could then talk to Chelsea Jones, who’s only three desks in front of Matthew. He could glance down at his worksheet and gasp because everything is blank (just as you have it). --> I suggest that because I think it’d create a great balance between internal dialogue and action.

    Even if you don’t take those suggestions, excellent job!!


    =====



    NOT MISSING. ON THE MOON

    Query:
    You hooked me with the second paragraph. Missing child? On the moon? I love how you’re connecting real world things such as a child going missing—and the mother’s boyfriend being blamed—with fantasy. Aliens. Moon illness. Good stuff!

    You have a great show of voice, but at the same time, I think it overcomplicates some of the sentences (as other commenters have pointed out and offered really good suggestions). Sometimes simplifying and tightening the paragraphs can make them even stronger than they already are.

    Beyond that, the concept, characters, conflict, and voice all shine through. They make me wonder if the story is really a fantasy adventure, or a book like CHALLENGER DEEP by Neal Shusterman.

    On a side note, in the 5th paragraph, instead of “The plan fails and all hope is lost... Or is it? Could there still be a way for Mirabelle to save her best friend?” --> maybe you can have “But if the plan fails, then xyz.” And in the 6th paragraph, capitalize your title DEAR NOSY. But like other commenters, I really like NOT MISSING. ON THE MOON. I think that’s a stronger (more unique) title.



    First 250:
    Another great show of voice. But since Mirabelle feels the urge to document the freaky thing that happened at Norma’s house, consider getting right to what that is. I think that would immediately hook readers, more than Mirabelle describing what she and Norma look like.

    Also, Mirabelle doesn’t have to explain why she’s addressing her entries to “Nosy.” You could start the first page with:

    Thursday May 2nd 5:02 pm: My first official entry, with a date and everything.

    So… Dear Nosy, whoever you are, I got this journal because I absolutely, completely have to write down what happened at Norma Johnson's house yesterday. It was just tooooo freaky.


    ^ I think that gets right into the story, and it has great voice. But even if that suggestion doesn’t work for you, good job! I’m really curious about this story.

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  9. YOU BELONG HERE: Query – Great opening paragraph. I really feel like I get a sense for who Pez is, although I did find myself asking why the name Pez? I’m sure you explain in the book. Your second paragraph is great as well, but the wording in the opening sentence seems a little clunky. Overall good job.
    250 – You jump right into some pretty deep stuff, and I was little thrown as soon as I realized the character is in school. You might want to consider grounding the reader, splicing a bit more about the character in with the thoughts of mom. I love the voice, and I think the writing is great. GOOD JOB!

    DEAR NOSY: Query – Interesting premise. I don’t know if you need the first paragraph journal entry. It kind of threw me a little. I think the next paragraph is great, but in the one that follows, I became a little confused. I couldn’t tell if Mar Ten was the name of the son, or the name of the aliens. The rest is good, but did strike me as a tad long. I’d consider tightening it up a little.
    250 – This is fun! Written in first person journal entries makes it very easy to hear the voice and picture the character. Well written and a cool idea. GOOD JOB!

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  10. A Boy Named Pez: Really solid query. I get an immediate sense of what is at stake (Though, what's at stake if he DOESN'T make his movie? I guess it doesn't have to be a big deal since it's MG, but I would like to get a sense that there are more dire stakes involved. Kids lose their dreams all the time. What happens if Pez loses his?)

    First 250: You know, I really like this. But while I don't really dabble too much in MG, one thing that strikes me is the voice. It doesn't really-to me, anyway-sound like a 10 or 12 year old to me. The voice is extremely tricky for MG, but I don't really get a feeling that this is a kid. I kind of get the feeling that this is an adult writing as a kid. Maybe it was the Agatha Christie part. I can't see any 10 year old really knowing that their parent loves Agatha Christie, even if they see the cover every single day. Otherwise, really good. Nice work.

    Not missing. On the Moon: I really dig the first two paragraphs of your query (I snickered at the second one), but after that, it gets a little convoluted. And I think the stakes come a bit too late. The voice is mostly very good though. It does sound like it is geared toward MG.

    First 250: This could use a little improving, I think. I think the voice of the query is a better fit than the voice in the first page. Also, not sure if you need anything above Thursday, May 2nd. I think you should just start there.

    Anyway, good luck to the both of you!

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  11. A Boy Named Pez

    I love your premise and I think my 9 year old son would too! Your query did a good job of setting out the obstacles that Pez encounters, although I would focus on the emotion of them. When I got to your words, Pez’s mother leaving pulled at my heartstrings. It didn’t do that in the query and probably should.

    I thought your 250 were great. Pez is likable and quirky.

    Not missing. On the Moon.

    I’m going to pass along some advice that many of my commentators told me - - make your query less like a synopsis. Instead, use it to draw us into your MC. Make us care about her. Hook us, and show us the stakes. (easier said than done . . I know!).

    I loved Mirabelle’s voice. It was clear and distinct and fun. I also love books written in journal form, and your idea of having the entries written to “nosy” is fantastic. I would love to read this.

    good luck to both of you!!

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  12. You Belong Here:

    I love this query. For me, you nailed it. Great opening line. You show in a very short space in the second paragraph that your MS hits all the expected plot points; life is good, he's full of confidence and ambition, and then everything crashes. The girl. Parents and home life (literally). The dream. His confidence wavers, which is appropriate for the age group and circumstances, but I love that his movie dream remains the focus and I'm already rooting for him.

    First 250:

    The voice reads as a little older to me, but I don't think that's a bad thing. I was reading Jane Eyre at eleven, so I'm a proponent of writing "up" to kids rather than "down".

    Good luck! :)

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